the imperfect perfectionist

Saturday, November 11, 2006

A breakdown- i always thought it will never happen to me. Always thought that i can handle situations where even though i want to burst into tears and pity myself, i can tahan and console myself inside. When you see me having a breakdown, obviously, something is wrong. Especially if it comes from the stress of O level. Of course, it's not only the O's that caused the breakdown la. Personal problems and pressure from people also la.

So that was what happened to me just this morning in school before the Maths paper 2. Thank goodness the paper started at 2.30pm; meant that i can compose myself before going into the examination hall. I think the trigger was when the girls with me were starting to freak out; these are the girls who everyday go home and study one ok, not the play play one, and Mrs G and Miss C were trying to calm them down then Mrs G said some stuff to me...

'Especially you. I know you can do it. I know. Everyone knows you tried your best. We can see. Don't give up and don't panic ok? *thumps on shoulder as form of encouragement*

Waaah. You say like that i get more panicky and pressured lei. My eyes from can hold back tears to cannot. But that was sweet of you la Mrs G. Thanks. Now if only you had just continued on your way to lunch with Miss C and not come back and see me bawling my eyes out. Fine i wasn't bawling, more like *sob sob sniff* but still. I supposed the real reason behind that very publicised breakdown (last i checked, everyone i asked knows that i had a breakdown. Great) is all the shit that i've been through la recently. With Mum running away, Azril becoming more of a rebel than a brother, Dad being the ever irresponsible and unconcerned father and having Azrul there physically but not emotionally for me, things at home are not steady. What more in school... I know other people have it worse than me and i should not be complaining and whining but what do you do when all seems lost?

School. Hah. I'm glad the o's will be over in 10 more days and then i can chill but yeah...until then still have to chiong all the way la for remaining paper namely accounts, history and science paper 1. So other that worrying whether my unlucky streak of mental blocks will continue for the remaining papers and whether can cram in all the accounting formulaes and history facts, i think for o levels, i can survive la. It's the pressure coming from all different sides that's killing me. Never had so much pressure to do well before. Guessed this is just the beginning huh? Cos there's still work and relationship problems to settle later in life too right? Isn't that just swell?

Anyway, if you wanna know, the pressure is coming from the principal, teachers and the worst of all, myself. Cos why? The only person i don't want to disappoint is not me, not the P, not the teachers but Mum. Don't want to come back home after receiving the results, telling her that i gotta retake or what-have-you. It's that reaction that she will first have and then tries to hide before i can see, that hurts me the most. I'm not afraid of Dad punishing me or the humiliation and embarrassment that i will get from my relatives but that big D word from Mum. Gosh... I would do anything to make Mum proud.

Things like relationships and fun will have to take a backseat during this crucial time. I messed up big time la. I don't wanna talk about it, don't even want to try.

Alright, actually have more to talk about like that meeting with the Principal (concerning that incident between me and a very... shall i say... saying-before-thinking teacher. Also concerns that report in TNP about a particular school.), Azrul's very sweet present, that funny funny incident with his friends during raya, that very special graduation poem made by me and Gen and of course, updates on the o level papers once everything is over. So you guys keep on checking to see if i've posted new entries next week. Cos i'm not blogging too much till o's are over and done with. Oh and people of 4h... Please make plans so we can go and slack our hearts out. As for the chalet in Jan, we'll settle that ASAP once matters are confirmed on the venue, $$$ and dates. Until then, focus on the O's and don't let your momentum run over these 5 days. Keep up the studying pace alright? Cool.

P.S: To those who helped me through that emotional ride just now, many thanks. This is just one of the many reasons why i'll miss you guys. :)
P.P.S: With good food, good company and good movie, will you go out with me? :D i remembered ok? Thanks for picking up my call the other day and listening to my shit. You made it less suffer-some. <3

I want the world stop and see what it has done to me
cos nothing i do can change how things are
and all that i feel can't take me that far.
Yanee

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<~ perfected ~>
@ |4:05 PM|

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